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Part 1 (probably of one): The major party leaders
Election bells are ringing in my native province. And although I haven't lived there in 12 years and therefore can't vote, I thought I'd chime in anyways.
You may be thinking, "But how can you comment on this? You are neither an interested party, nor are you qualified!" To which I reply, "You've got some nerve mister!"
My triumphant (?) return to the land of the trillium is just over the horizon, so I feel invested this time. And hey, I actually ran in one of these before, so I know a little bit about that of which I speak. Sure. I may have only gotten a couple hundred votes, but that was probably a couple hundred more than YOU got - and it was only a couple hundred less than the Green party candidate got! Let's get to it.
Candidate Profiles
Kathleen Wynne
Party: Liberal
Credentials: First female Premier of Ontario. First openly LGBTQ Premier of Ontario. Former Minister of Education. Co-founder of Citizens for Local Democracy in opposition to the widely-opposed amalgamation of Metro Toronto's boroughs into the City of Toronto.
Personality: Pushy, bossy, too masculine.
Word on the street: Everybody hates her.
Doug Ford
Party: Sure! You got any hash? Wait, I've got some. Progressive Conservative
Credentials: Former Toronto City Councillor. Right-hand man to brother, the late Mayor Rob Ford. Failed candidate for Mayor of Toronto. President of Deco Labels and Tags, a company which through hard work, grit, and guile Doug inherited from his father. Former proprietor of Doug Ford Delivery Services.
Personality: Assertive, a strong leader, masculine.
Word on the street: For some reason, not everyone hates him (although a fair chunk of people do).
Andrea Horwath
Party: New Democratic Party
Credentials: Long-serving leader of the NDP, entering her third election at the helm. Shifted the party platform to the right of the centrist Liberals, mistakenly believing that conservative voters would buy it and that social democratic voters would ignore it. Finished in 3rd place in her first two elections and somehow managed to stay on as leader. That has to be worth something.
Personality: Currently shows none of the traits of either Kathleen Wynne or Doug Ford. Although within two years of becoming premier, she will be pushy, bossy, and too masculine.
Word on the street: She's not Kathleen Wynne or Doug Ford.
Mike Schreiner
Party: Green
Credentials: Ummm... I just wanted to point out how similar his name is to mine!
Personality: You'd have to ask him. And you probably could!
Word on the street: Deafening silence.
Platforms and Achievements
Kathleen Wynne
- Free child care for everyone
- Increased minimum wage to $14/hr. Will further increase it to $15/hr next year.
- Free college and university for poor people.
- Dental care and pharma care for people who don't have alternative coverage.
- Continue piloting basic income project for the poor.
Analysis: How have the people of Ontario managed to endure such a monster all of these years?
Doug Ford
- Refund some child care money to poor people
- Freeze minimum wage at $14/hr. Too chicken-shit to cut it, because he most certainly wants to.
- Cut the corporate tax rate. Eliminate provincial taxes on low-income earners.
- Free dental care for low-income seniors.
- Will magically conjure billions of dollars out of thin air, reducing the budget by 6% while reducing taxes and not cutting anything.
Analysis: We haven't seen this kind of magic from a party leader since Doug Henning was running the Natural Law Party! Oh, and genius move offering new services only to the poorest of the poor. All the better to scapegoat them next election cycle! There is a reason we treasure our universal health care system in Canada. It is the same for everybody - no line hopping, and no blaming the poor for taking more than their share. Bravo, Mr. Ford.
Andrea Horwath
- See Platform: Liberal Party of Ontario
Analysis: A good move swinging back to the left - all the way to right about where the Liberals already were.
Mike Schreiner
- Business-friendly environmentalism - whatever the hell that is.
- Preventative health care. This sounds like some hokey shit pushing naturopathy, anti-GMO noise and other dangerous BS that is en vogue for people who are "in touch with the earth".
Analysis: I think global warming is the single biggest threat we face as a species and as a planet. I do not think the Green Party offers any ideas that will help alleviate this extremely pressing concern.
Notable Quotes*
Kathleen Wynne
"Social justice is what drives me. It's why I'm here. Well, that and eating babies. I like to eat babies too."
Doug Ford
"It's 15 for a G, 40 for a half-quarter, and 70 for a Q. Page me with the message '420' and I should be able to call back within 10 minutes - if my mom isn't on the phone."
Andrea Horwath
"I want you to look at Kathleen Wynne. Take a good look at her. Then, look at Doug Ford. Take a long, close look. Then, look at me. Notice that I'm not either one of those people."
Mike Schreiner
"Hey guys. Can I give a quote too?"
Elite-ness
Kathleen Wynne
Pedigree: Father was a doctor. Mother was a musician. Earned a B.A, M.A, and M.Ed.
Analysis: Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Doug Ford
Pedigree: Born to a wealthy father. Inherited said wealthy father's business. Same father was a Member of Provincial Parliament in the Mike Harris government. Rich enough to donate his $100,000 per year salary as City Councillor. Went to Humber.
Analysis: This guy is so un-elite, you can smell the pig-shit on his work boots.
Andrea Horwath
Pedigree: Father is an immigrant from Eastern Europe who worked on an assembly line. Has a B.A. in Labour Studies. Hails from Hamilton.
Analysis: Put down the tiara, your highness!
Mike Schreiner
Pedigree: I'm not really sure.
Analysis: This is what he actually looks like!
Conclusion and Endorsement
Don't tell a certain 1999 Toronto-Centre-Rosedale Candidate this, but we here at the (Un)Intellectual wank wholeheartedly support the candidate that is the most not Rob Ford's brother. And since there are two (alright, 3, Schreiner) candidates that are not Rob Ford's brother, we have to go with the one that is most likely to win. That's right. Strategic voting!
It's an irrationally unpopular opinion, but Wynne is the deserving candidate. But she is cooked. Andrea Horwath is not cooked, and equally important, she is not Rob Ford's brother. (And she's not Mike Schreiner.) So, here's hoping we all wake up to Premier Horwath on June 8th.
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